Hire Me! - Introvert Whisperer

Introvert Whisperer / Hire Me! - Introvert Whisperer Hire Me! Ferd Nerfberfer 123 Confusion Avenue New York, NY 00021 Professional Summary: A major suck up to executives and unable to ferret out even the slightest suggestion of strategic vision as a high level manager.     Continual upward growth at the expense of direct reports, which are generally beaten or abused multiple times per week to motivate and improve productivity.   Generally, a disgusting human by all accounts but, like a cockroach, survives by avoiding real work or results.   Singularly responsible for the loss of millions through fraud, law suits and neglect. Employment History Acme Manufacturing Co. Nov. 2015-March 2016, Currently unemployed, pending lawsuit complaint of missing office equipment, carpet and light fixtures Human Resources VP â€" Responsibilities:   Maintenance of corporate culture, HR policy by maximizing existing and future talent globally.   Detail oriented, people-person bent on perfection from others.   Creative incentive program creation, mostly consisting of waterboarding adaptation to office environment.   Responsible for multi-tiered organization of 2,000 people, although some are part time or having out of body experiences (which don’t receive compensation). Ozone Depletion Management Company Feb. 2014-March 2014 Corporate Safety Assurance Director â€" Responsibilities:   Assure executives that they won’t get caught damaging the earth’s air supply.   Daily affirmations in-person, via email, text and skywriting.   Generally, make these guys feel like they can do no wrong so it doesn’t spoil their concentration while playing golf.   Coined a new safety slogan and printed 497,000 bumper stickers for global distribution:   “It’s ONLY air!” OK Airlines (company filed bankruptcy in 1983) Dec. 1908- current In-flight Management â€" Responsibilities: Hiring, firing and flogging of all employees’ scheduled to work onboard specific flights.   Randomly picked flights to board based on where I wanted to go.   At my discretion, trained and changed rules without notice and held employees responsible for psychically picking up the vibe.   Employees out of compliance to the new rules received punishment up to but not limited to eating the airline food and squeezing into a seat made for a toddler.   Received annual promotions because I refused to quit. Edumaction and Certifiications Paducah High School â€" finished first semester References I have none as most of the people I have worked with are missing.   Law enforcement has been notified and I know nothing about it.   I can tell you that if you hire me, I’ll stick around.   I always do. April Fools Day! From Do you know what your next career step is?  Many people don’t. I want to help you accelerate your career by connecting you with your Free Instant Access to my eBook on how to construct your Career SMART Goals â€" that will help you put together your actions and keep you accountable. Get your copy now and start your action plan today! Brought to you by Dorothy Tannahill-Moran â€" dedicated to unleashing your professional potential. Introvert Whisperer